HOW I MET MY SECOND WIFE
I’d been on sabbatical from the university for a month when I started walking in the mornings. The walking path was actually divided into two paths separated by a hedge of rhododendrons—one path for walkers and a bicycling path. I chose to walk on the bicycling path. If I hadn’t, I may never have seen her.
It was always in the morning that we passed each other, at around ten minutes to nine. I felt I recognized her, but couldn’t see clearly enough through the rhododendrons. To see her entirely I would have had to be standing where the rhododendrons stopped, a three-yard break in the bushes where the sun fell on the yellow dirt.
I couldn’t bring myself to. I was chair of the department. I had a wife and two kids and a book of mine—a monograph on the explorer Mungo Park—was coming out in another month.
Our paths almost crossed for three weeks when I realized I was madly in love.
The next morning I hid in the rhododendrons at ten minutes to nine. I upended the bottle of Seagram’s gin I’d been carrying with me on my walks and cut off my penis with an X-ACTO knife I’d stolen from the secretary’s desk earlier in the year. When she passed, I threw my penis at the back of her head. I counted to nine before introducing myself.
THE POTHOLE I STEPPED IN YOU COULD STEP IN TOO
He had hit me, I thought accidentally, with his elbow on my way off the bus.
But the next day it happened again.
I knew it wasn’t an accident this time because he muttered something so hateful under his breath the woman sitting behind him—of his own color and size—blushed. He struck me twice, hatefully, so that I nearly fell on the bus steps.
Instead, I fell in a pothole I would have avoided if I hadn’t been pushed.
I went to work.
I loathed my job. I was unhappy there, but I was paid. Many of us were no longer paid.
That night I thought of what I would like to do to the man on the bus, and the woman.
I thought I would like the man to fall. Or, rather, I would like to push him off the bus and mutter at him, and then I would take the woman by the arm, jerk her roughly like the man had jerked me, and throw her off the bus too. I almost cried for them, they were so pitiful.
The next day we were stuck in traffic. I upended the bottle of Seagram’s gin I’d been carrying with me on my bus rides and cut off my penis with an X-ACTO knife I’d stolen from the secretary’s desk earlier that week.
As he prepared to strike me with his elbow, I threw my penis at the man. I counted to nine before introducing myself.
I WAS NOT IN THIS STORY
Her work was discredited by the higher-ups. She was a bully and a man-hater, a true misandrist. What few people knew was that she was, in fact, a “man” with “penis hands”.
One day a Chinese acupuncturist from Hubei Province accused her of misappropriation of the disabilities fund. She was stealing handicapped money! There was a momentary brouhaha in the headquarters of the bigwigs at the Kermitola Golf Club in Dhaka. A big clatter! They proved through careful chemical analysis (urine analysis) that she was secretly a man, and more, that she had a special gift unknown to the Tax Office. She had not only penis hands but two vaginas, one of which poured cement.
At this moment, from beyond the realm of fictional accounts, I stepped into the picture, surprising bigwigs and she-man alike. I upended the bottle of Seagram’s gin I’d been carrying with me on my nightly circuits, and cut off my penis with an X-ACTO knife I’d stolen from a dead man at the horse races earlier that week.
As they watched with mouths agape, I threw my penis at the table of bigwigs sipping gin. I counted to nine before introducing myself.
The W.S. Merwin Club was home to many rare species of undiagnosed lunacy, said Kemal. Kemal should know. He had only recently escaped the Home for Foundlings and Syphilitics in downtown Dhaka, his birthplace, where he had heard Merwin read as a boy.
A VD Christmas
is unavailable at this time.
a penis boot
is currently seeking representation.