Dear Mr. Tannahill,

Though you live far away from me in Kansas, I was inspired by your clever tactic to continue giving away assault rifles on the campaign trail even after the latest US school massacre. It shows gumption and tenacity and a true understanding of your people, all of which will stand you well when you take office.

All the more bizarre then that I'm writing this letter to suggest alternatives to your pioneering gimmick!

This isn't because I really believe I can offer you anything better. I'm just thinking of this political high wire act we're all walking at the moment and of the fake news bombarding us from all sides. We really need to be thinking on our feet with such a miasma hanging over our heads.

If you would permit me then, Mr. Tannahill, here are five sure-fire alternatives to your AR-15 giveaway that I believe would improve your candidacy, the United States government and your constituency all in one.


In Cyprus, where I live, when men want to feel “safe” and “powerful”, we simply wait for the streets to clear of all female elements and hang our members out the window until a “challenger” appears. If there is no challenger, we continue to hang in the wind, gloating. If a challenger does appear and we are bested, we buy a longer walking stick.


Give away a hand grenade instead. Hand grenades wreak just as much carnage and enjoy much more positive press. When was the last time someone hand-grenaded a school? Plus, Walmart has just started selling them in Florida. Now is your chance!


For five weeks before your next political campaign, smack your head against a brick wall for two hours in the morning and once again before you go to bed. This therapy may give you new insights into gun control.


Introduce evolution back into your school system. If you think the apes are giving us “bad genes”, just think about what an upgrade the primate would be for you and your fellow Kansans, who have long been suspected to be the sons and daughters of syphilitic prairie dogs.   


Consider other employment, sir. I hear the position of Junior Varsity Badminton Coach has recently opened up at Lee’s Summit High School. When that position is filled, I’m sure they’ll be looking for someone of your gumption, tenacity and understanding to pick up the dirty towels.


Max Sheridan